Tuesday, July 3, 2012

A New One

Whatsup y'all, I'm back. First and foremost, where the kcuf is my god damn ipod! This is another bloody blog with the full intention of letting the world know that I have another missing electronic device. This time I'm more pissed tho, pisstification has reached a new level, 11.6 on the 10 level pistified scale. I just bought one of those gangster looking 160 gig black suckers, throw a pretty good soirĂ©e (sp) at my moms pad, and now the damn thing is missing. Cindy wasn't even at the party, so now i'm really scratching my hungover/semi-drunk still ratchet head. 

Whatever. Doesn't matter at all. Just got my President's Choice Visa card in the mail today, huge TSN turning point in my life right now. Give this kid a piece of friggin' plastic that allows you to buy whatever the hell you want, with money you don't have, and you have yourself a baller on a budget. Also, I'm sorry for leaving blog nation for the past little while, all this Luka Magnotta and bath salt Miami face eating shit has got my effin' head in the clouds. What the hell is this! How hungry must one be to eat a fucking face! Nevermind that, people gotta eat, I fully understand. The gay porn star butcher with 76 facebook accounts buzzed me as well; it's to bad he won't spend the rest of his life in jail. He'll get off somehow, they all do. Why am I talking about this dumb shit anyways, I had a party last night.

Ya so I had a party because it was my 22nd birthday yesterday. 22 years ago Donna pushed me out, God bless that woman. Yesterday was just beautiful. I felt like a pimp the entire day! I woke up drunk, ran on the treadmill for 6 miles and nearly fell a few times, got my hair looking nice thanks to Marvin, drove around in Donna's BMW with the top down, blasting music, young tan and hansome, turning heads. And then boom! It was 5pm and time to celebrate these 22 years of shocking behaviour. We had some cross country dudes and their lady friends, work pals, my crew of gomers, brother, sister, brother and sisters friends, a weiner dog and a lassie looking creature, hamburgers, hot dogs, beers, liquors, lotsa gin (thanks for the bottle Jordan) coolers, cigarettes for the anti-runners, smiles, laughs, hotties, couple uglies, sobers, hammereds, ratchets, wrenches, etc. Hell there were a lot of things and before you know it I was putting on a show. Normally when the purity of gin blesses my lips I put on a show anyhow, but when you are the host of a bender and all eyes are on you, that show is magnified to new extremities. I was having drink offs with 17 year olds, yelling, swearing, ginning (winning and drinking gin at the same time...Charlie Sheen approved) dropping beers, shooting pool, sucking ass at pool actually. I was also the recipient of a lovely ice cream cake thanks to co-worker Maelyn and friend Lora. Lora's parents must have been lazy at the time of making that name. 98% of the time Lora is spelt Laura. They were lazy in the sense that they didn't want the extra letter. I wish my name was one less letter, but then I'd be called Jos. I hate the name Jos, don't ever call me that. Speaking of names, I recall telling my sister yesterday why I hated her for 3 quarters of her existence. You see, her given name is Abigail. Pretty name if you ask me. Then at the age of 6 or so she butchers the shit out of it and renames it Abbie. I would have been 11 at the time and this infuriated me. I was such a little bastard back then. I blame it on Eminem. This only angered me because her shortened name was spelt Abby. When she thought she was all cool trendy and hip and decided to drop that 'y' and add the 'ie' I was insulted, embarrassed, and didn't want to leave the house. Shocking right?

Brother Alex was in prime shape last night too. So was Nick Russell. Russell is a complete gongshow and he made his mark yesterday. I'm glad my mom got to see who he really is, he tends to play the nice guy role in front of the parents but when he's on his liquor game the kid is in complete shambles. Whether its a ripped shirt, beer covered shirt, hair flowing everywhere, googly friggin' eyes, or whatever he gets himself into, Nick is quite the guy. Direct message to ya Nick: go join the circus. Other notable ratchet heads included my brothers friend Andrew S, my mom, me, pretty much all the runners were dinked, Reanna was fairly effed, George...drunk, and everyone else seemed pretty civilized. Andrew S though man, hoooollly shit! This kid was flippin 114 pounds give or take when I saw a Steelers game back in November with him. This clown is now 170lb with huge guns. I kept getting him to flex for the party. I was pumping that kids tires all night and then as he was soaking up all the glory I got him completely pie-eyed! He is corrupted and now a straight gin drinking goblin. Top 5 drunkest kids at the house, hands down. My mom also put together a beautiful video of me, stopped the party, and showed it to everyone. She compiled a shit ton of images of me from my young years to the transformed sexy beast that I am today. What a sweetheart. I also went up and hugged her infront of everyone to make it look like I'm a cute and genuine son. Totally faked it. Just kidding Dons, you know I'm great!

I don't even know what this blog is supposed to be about. Just a clusterfudge of ramblings I guess. Embrace it man. Step into my absolute life right now. Now that most of this party jargon has been exposed, let's talk running. Running is so stupid. I absolutely hate it sometimes, mostly when I'm injured. Hip flexors are flippin' killing me. Just weak and tender and all around a pretty bad setup. I need a new pair of legs. Right now I'm only running like 5-6 miles a day and the pain is kinda effing off at this point. Also putting in a lot of time on the saddle. I was gonna do this crazy ass 24 week marathon build up for NYC but that shit has gone down the drain. Im down to about 17ish weeks out from the big day and its time to start getting fit again. I'm just gonna have fun with it man. No more school, just running and working part time. Speaking of work, I got employee of the Month for May! Crazy shit has happened before but employee of the month for the entire grocery store? People love me there for some weird reason. Nice plaque with my name on it and everything.

I'm getting pretty flustered right now and running out of things to talk about. Andrew S just called me to say that he found my ipod hidden in the love seat! Cloud 9 baby, lifes good! This coming Sunday, July 8th, my sister AbbIE has organized a 5 and 10km footrace in Gibbons Park. The race is to create awareness for clean drinking water in Kenya. Abby went to that place last year and was touched by the entire experience. I liked Abby when she came back, she wasn't such a materialistic valley girl anymore and realized hair straighteners and iphones weren't all that friggin' important after all. I told her she wouldn't last a day, shitting in holes and bathing in goose piss just weren't gonna cut it for her. But hell was I wrong man. She made friends and made a difference that not a lot of people can say they've done. So she directed this race and its called "Quenching Kenya's Thirst". Epic shit man. Go register for it, online at www.http://www.newbalancelondon.com/....time is running out! All proceeds to Free the Children for a clean water project down there in Kenya. I'm gonna run the 10km for fun and probably wear something goofy. Sign up and I'll run it with you:-)

This is it for Blog today. Come back in a week and I'll mix in some more verbs and material for ya. Cheers.

Rest In Peace TBarts. You've touched the lives of hundreds of people. I love you man and I think about you every day. Angel in the outfield. May 23, 1991-May 12, 2012

1 comment:

  1. Thanks Jos............I loved reading this blog in Melbourne 4 weeks later. It is freaking amazing, you are a gifted writer and I need to tune in more frequently. If you do decide to go to uni, you might want to focus on that as your primary. Whatever, after reading your blog I have no doubt that whatever you decide to do you will excel!!! You have heart, soul and a genuine compassion for the people around you. I'm glad you and Abb(ie)y have found a new place!!!! I agree with everything you wrote about. NOW GET YOUR SORRY ASS OUT OF LONDON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Melbourne Rocks!