Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Late Nights And Early Mornings

And we're back.  I'm live on set with yet another episode of pointless blog material that you poor bastards are about to read. At the age of 22, this marathon grind is just beating the shit out of me.  Let's start off with my recent lifestyle change.  

Few weeks back I was all googly eyed at some lame bar where a bunch of lame bouncers work. Lame bouncer dudes have a lot going for them.  They get all jacked up at the gym and look big and stupid. Then they wear tight shirts and put their chests out super far in hopes of getting some phone numbers while they I.D. the girls falling over in line.  Once they let a bunch of underage skanks into their establishment where they puke, cry, fight, pull hair and ruin everyones night, bouncer-dude-bro-guy then experiences a shift in his attitude and he turns into an asshole!  This guy with the giant ego and tiny dick starts to kick out all of his loyal, yet googly eyed customers (to make more room for the skanks he won't even get to bang).  

About the new lifestyle.  So I ended up losing that shitty Blackberry of mine at the liquor joint during one of those lame nights.  I wasn't pissed or anything, I knew this was the beginning of a new me.  I had plans of growing my hair to my knees, a beard long enough that could be braided, and moving to a remote jungle where I could become a hunter/gatherer and a dedicated woodsmen, where cellphones were unnecessary and the hippy life would be the life for me.  4 hours after this plan was plotted into my journal of ideas, I changed my mind and demanded an iPhone.  Now I have the phone and I suck balls at anything nature related.  I've learned that once you have an iPhone, its standard to feel like you're better than everyone else.  Tim Horton's is now off limits. God forbid you have a flip phone at Starbucks, their prissy, we're-better-than-Tim Horton's-staff will have you removed from the premises accordingly.  Although I do enjoy picking up a new book at Chapters and lounging at Starbuck's for a nice blend, I still refuse to call their cup sizes "tall, venti and grande".  Fuck that, like seriously? They can suck it.  No pimple faced coffee boy bag of douche is going to hear me putter out some Italian words followed by the word 'coffee'.  I understand its a cultural thing, buying organic is now a way of life and those toe shoes are trendy and they have mosaic art and sculptures and hip sofas and metro-sexuals hanging out in there, but for as long as I'm living, its always gonna be a medium black for this guy.  Any man ordering a "latte" with cinnamon, brown sugar, foam, pink sauce, caramel fudge, shot of expresso, sprinkles, whipped cream, cherry blossums, and calling it anything other than a "small, medium, or large" should have their Man-Card revoked affective immediately.  There were two key indicators that proved I wasn't fit for the Tarzan way of living.  

Pathetic Indication Numero Une: I went fishing with Russ, Tay and Asian Bieber: Cheuk Leung.  I knew we weren't going to catch a single fish as soon as I got into Russell's car.  Why was I so pessimistic only a minute upon entering the vehicle? We had no fucking fishing rods, bait, camouflaged hats, nets, bobbers, anything.  They assured me everything would be fine and we'd pick up some of this shit on the way to the river.  I had another gut feeling that we were going to suck that afternoon as Cheuk entered the vehicle.  He was wearing a v-neck, skinny jeans, and some high top Nikes that were bound to scare the fish away.  When you do something that's nature and danger related you can't be wearing shit that came from an H&M magazine, it's just bound to backfire on you.  Long story short, we walked through some bush to get to our designated area, casted the two rods we had, and the best we came up with was some seaweed and some tangled lines.  The dudes across the river were looking at us baffled and in disbelief.  They were hardcore fly fishers who were balls deep in that river and determined to catch something stinky and slimy.

Very Un-Manly Indication Numero Deux: Sitting on my bed one night, twittering, facebooking, instagramming, and any other stupid shit you can do on the iPhone, I was defeated by a bat/sparrow in my bedroom that night.  I had just come back from a late night run, my third one of the day and I hammered the shit out of it.  My brain went all squirrelly and I achieved the glorious "Runners High".  So sitting there on my bed..naked..sweating..cheerful and glee, I was catching up on the social media propaganda that I missed out on for the passed hour.  The next part tore me mentally and physically for the next couple of days.  It was a bat or a bird that came soaring and swooping down over my head like a fighter jet in my own bedroom, with no regard for my exhausted and naked body sitting their on the bed.  I was threatened so I took cover, falling to the ground and screaming the word Fuck as loud as I could like I was being shot and attacked by Adolf and the gang.  It flew passed my head once more but I didn't get a good look at the intruders genetic profile. The loud bang as I barricaded myself to the floor and the loud profanity woke the whole house up.  We never found that son-of-a-bitch and it remains an unsolved mystery.  After two nights of sleeping in a different bedroom I'm back in my own bed with a tennis racket and the flashlight app on my phone (I suggest you get that app its very handy).  

With this recent pussy behaviour I realized my dreams of Costa Rica jungle life just isn't for me.  I see myself mastering a craft like carpentry or entering the porn industry, something tedious like that one day.  I also started listening to all types of music, not just the hip-hop stuff.  I like rock music and old shit now, dressing in red pants and wearing obnoxious shit. I'm reading Fifty Shades of Grey, too.  Just kidding.  If I was then my behaviour would be so pussy that it'd be off the charts and I would be downgraded to that bar skank pussy that we talked about earlier.  I'm actually reading Scar Tissue by Anthony Keidis (lead singer of the Red Hot Chili Peppers), and man it's crazy.  There are actually dudes out there, living in L.A., shooting cocaine into their veins at the age of 11.  Crazy book man, Anthony's clean now but he was not a healthy soul.  I'd like to mention Dane in the blog cause he hasn't made an appearance yet.  Back when that sucker ass broad stole my iPod, me, Daner, and Mark had plans to rival the ongoing motorcycle clubs here in the city.  We were looking at infiltrating these gangs and becoming local hero's like how Batman is to Gotham (Dark Knight Rises was a terrible waste of time by the way).  But as plans fell through we're still doing some soul searching and trying to make it big, take over the world and marry two hot girls and live in one big house together.  We already know who the two girls are, but they don't.  I'm not sure how we're going to drop the news on them, but they're gonna have to adhear to all of our needs.  Dane and I will not have jobs other than taking care of the children and taking the trash out every other week.  Most of the time we will be playing xbox with head sets and drinking beer and gin.  We suck when we're together though, like the time at Fanshawe our first year we sat beside eachother farting always and I failed 4/6 classes, but he wasn't much better.  Or the time I went to his electrical box and cut the power in his house when he had a party and he almost bottled me.  Or that one time someone backed a car into a swamp and instead of searching for help we pulled the keg out of the trunk and started drinking from it anyways.  Danes a pretty cool guy and he's coming to NYC with me for this running event I'm gonna put myself through.  My main focus is to run that Marathon, but after it we're going to shop like ballers and get drunk in Manhattan. 

New York City and the Running thing.  Hats off to Dylan Wykes, Eric Gillis, and Reid Coolsaet who finished the Olympic Marathon in 20th, 22nd, and 27th respectively.  Top 30 in that event as Canadians is pretty fricken huge and the future for Canadian distance running is looking quite nice.  That 38 year old CND record is gonna fall soon and I think all three of these dudes will break it.  I've got a bit less than 11 weeks till the ING New York City Marathon and to be honest I have no idea where I'm at or how fit I am.  I'm getting in some good mileage but the workouts are going as planned about 60% of the time.  I'm blaming it on the unhealthy shit I eat cause' my stomach is always jacked up and full of pain during the longer intervals and tempo stuff.  I guess we'll test some of this work this Sunday in London for the Rock The Road 10k and then again in September at the Springbank Half Marathon. I've been running with Brandon Laan some and he's a really cool dude.  I want to continue working with him running wise and then maybe help him in the future with the business he's got going on there.  I also met up with Chris Balestrini for coffee the other day after I stumbled upon his blog.  That kid is nails and he too wants to work his balls off.  He is a craftsmen on the bike, like a super friggin' beast.  I sent him an email after seeing that he wanted to take his cycling talent, combine it with his running background, and turn himself into one of those freak athletes that compete in Ironman.  So we met and we're going to be working on the running thing together, which should benefit the both of us cause he's got a good set of wheels on him as well.  It's going to be an ongoing project but I'm excited for the grind.  Working 16 hours a week is awesome!  I'm almost mimicking the life of an elite runner right now, running at 7am, eating breakfast, napping until noon, hitting the gym, running in the afternoon, eating dinner, and chillin' out.  I also mix in a dump, shower and toothbrush just to clarify things.  I don't want this lifestyle to ever change, its being too good to me right now.  I also can't wait to re-unite with the Fanshawe XC bro's.  Cross Country season is coming up and I'm sad as hell I won't be participating.  I'm going to try and be there every step of the way though, they're going to be Champs this year.  I guess after this 10k on Sunday we'll have a better understanding on where my fitness is at.  I'm just hoping I don't get dropped by Krista Duchene:-)

Bye for now......      

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